4 Ways to Keep Your Teen Close While Letting Her Go

“I’m not a little kid anymore!” Those six heart-wrenching words are often what adolescents tell their parents, who may still view their teens as the babies they once were. It can be hard to let go, whether you are handing over the car keys, packing your “child” up for college, or accepting that your 13-year-old wants to start wearing make-up to school. No parent is fully prepared to come to terms with their teenager outgrowing certain childhood habits. However, society sometimes misconstrues what the actual meaning of adolescence is: an extension of childhood. Even though your teenager is beginning to gain independence, that doesn’t mean he is going to become a full-fledged, independent adult overnight. Here are four ways your teen still needs you, according to experts in adolescent psychology.

Set Rules for Your Teen

You’ve likely set guidelines throughout your teen’s life, relating to your family values and morals—and those of society and culture at large. But internalizing and acting according to those rules is a lot for her to take on by herself right now, according to Erin Jant, Ph.D., developmental psychology professor at Binghamton University. “They’ve had all these routines and rules throughout their life, but they might still need reminders on some things,” Dr. Jant says. 

This is especially true when it comes to the pressure your teen may feel from her peers or what she sees on social media, according to Alyson Cohen, LCSW, who works with adolescents and young adults at her private practice in midtown Manhattan. Your teen doesn’t need to be micromanaged in every aspect of her life, but gentle reminders here and there—especially when it comes to what’s okay to share and how to act on social media—will go a long way to ensuring your teen stays safe online, Cohen points out.

Your Teen Might Need Reminding About Hygiene 

While your teenager may not need to rely on you entirely for meals and reminders about cleanliness anymore, it’s possible he still might need some help adjusting to becoming independently accountable for the many responsibilities that come with growing up.

Check in on your teenager to make sure he’s practicing healthy food habits to balance the junk food he eats when you’re not around. In many situations she deals with, Cohen finds it helpful when parents are involved in preparing their teenager’s food. Try cooking together once or twice a week, or give him more freedom to choose and prepare a meal for the family.

When it comes to hygiene, it’s especially important to help young teens along with some gentle reminders—after all, needing deodorant and getting acne is new for them. Cohen suggests asking questions like: “Are you brushing and flossing your teeth at night?”; “Are you actually using body wash and shampoo when you take a shower?”; “When was the last time your sheets were changed?”; and “Are you making sure your favorite jeans are getting washed?” The important thing is not to come down on him for doing something wrong, but rather to reinforce his positive behaviors and habits through encouragement.