NYMP Q&A: Breaking the Toddler Code

Child psychologist and parenting expert Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D., gives insight to toddlers and how they thrive by giving us a toddler's view of the world, as well as tips for calming a public tantrum.

Let her get bored! Who cares if he never finishes dinner? And who says he has to share his toys, anyway? A refreshing new look at the terrible 2s aims to convince us that a hands-off attitude is not only key to your sanity, but also the seed of your child’s future success.

The way that parents interact with their kids from ages 2-5 has a permanent impact on who those children become later in life. Scared yet? In How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success (Touchstone/Simon & Schuster), Tovah P. Klein, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based child psychologist and parenting expert who has spent more than 20 years working with toddlers, gives us a unique perspective of the world as seen through the eyes of small children. Her easy-to-read “toddler manual” explains why letting a child be a child is the best way to instill self-confidence, resilience, and compassion that last a lifetime.

You write that we need to set a strong foundation during the toddler years in order to avoid “consequences that are seen for years to come.”
What most of us say we want for our kids is for them to be able to handle life, to be compassionate beings, to problem-solve, and to be motivated. If kids can’t trust themselves, then it’s very hard for them to put those pieces together. The roots of self-regulation are laid down in these early years, and to overlook that could mean a child grows up feeling insecure, afraid to try new things, and not being understood.

Are some parents more intuitive about “cracking the toddler code”?
There’s definitely a range. Anyone with more than one child knows that there is more than one way to interact. The second child can teach you so much if he’s different from the first. Some parents come to it more naturally. Some say, “I loved having a baby, but having a toddler is hard.” For others, the opposite is true. It depends who the parent is. And ultimately, our children teach us.

You recommend that parents rethink the food battle: Mealtimes are about chatting and coming together as a family, not about eating.
In many cultures, food is nurture, food is love, but it’s also a way of saying “I’m a good parent. My child eats well.” Well, unless your child has a rare medical condition, he won’t starve. Most kids have a control place—like sleeping, food, or clothing—and there are very few places where a kid can get control! But food can be a battleground. For toddlers, it’s a battle of independence. They decide they’re in control. The less the parents make it into a control battle...the easier it is for everyone. Kids will learn to eat what they need, but only if the parents stop interfering.

Any advice about every parent’s nightmare: the epic public tantrum?
If it’s somewhere like a grocery store, leave immediately, even if you have to abandon your shopping cart. All your child needs at this point is calm. She cannot listen or be rational, so do not make demands of her. She needs to hear “It’s okay, I’ll be here when you come down out of this.” It’s frightening for your child, too. She is literally beyond control, and counting on you to keep her safe. I always remind parents, “this too shall pass,” but it’s also important to look back and work out why your child has fallen apart to that point. Was she overwhelmed? Tired? Over-stimulated? Disappointed? This is a very little person!